Changes????

I may be moving the blog...

What would this mean for you?

It would mean a new blog address (url)...

That's all.

I will update more on this later.

Let Me Just Say...

The last 3 months have been something out of the ordinary for me.

Deep, Deep, REALLY DEEP DEPRESSION.

Why?  You ask...

So many reasons that I can think of and even more that I haven't begun to discover yet.

What I have come to realize is how we, as humans, don't like being confronted with others dark sides.

The fear, anger, sadness, anger, quiet, anger...

Did I forget to mention the anger?

And then, if you are the person going through this dark valley,

you start to feel guilty that you are feeling what you are feeling...

Which makes you feel even worse!

Does that make any sense at all?

This is the place I have been in.

Dark, dark, d.a.r.k.

My family didn't know what to do with me...

so, I think the tried to ignore that it was happening.

For me, this just added to my feelings of loneliness and self hatred.

It really wasn't until 2 members of my family,

who live far away (from me and each other),

acknowledged what was going on with me

and gave me advice and a

chance to "talk it out" that I started to feel better.

Sometimes when we know someone is feeling down, we avoid them. 

 Or we avoid talking to them about what they are going through.

I am soooo guilty of this.

We don't want them to bring us down.

Or...

We don't really want know what lives beneath the surface.

For the person facing those dark days,

 it feels like you just jumped off a cliff

 and you know the landing is going to be rough...

really rough

and yet you are falling, falling, falling...

Knowing the landing is coming...

But it hasn't hit yet...

And it's coming...

You're anticipating it...

Where is it...

When will this end...

Why won't this just END!

And Yet, the falling continues.

All I can say is thank God that I seem to be on the upside of things... for the most part.

I am having more up days than down.

I seem to have a bit of my smile back.

I have a bit of my sense of humor back...

(although my husband may not see that as a good thing... lol... He does tend to be at the butt of the joke more times than not.)

Sitting here this morning, writing about this dark place, it would be easy to sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened.

Infact, that is what I would normally do.

I don't like to share those kinds of things with people.

I don't like to show my vulnerable side.

It did happen, though.

It did.

Thankfully, when I felt at my lowest, I knew that God was with me.

I didn't have anyone else I could scream and yell at...

But he allowed me that liberty.

Just as David cried out to God asking WHY?

I did the same.

Yes, I felt guilty for what I saw as my lapse in faith...

but now I can see that my loving Heavenly Father was with me the whole time.

He never let me out of his sight.

He stood beside my while I cried and held me in his arms to comfort me.

 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.  Psalm 77:1

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. 

Psalm 107:6

How blessed we are when we have that friend that never leaves us.

No matter how dark the place is where we are.

No matter how low we think we are...

He is with us...

waiting for us to call out to Him.

What Kind of Day Am I Having...

Great!

Wonderful!

Full of hugs and kisses.

Thanks for asking....

I may have posted these photos before...

I honestly don't know and I am so tired this morning that I am not going to go look...

Some pretty severe storms came through last night and Momma was up making sure all was safe.

This morning, things are beautiful.

Although I did find visiting Raider in the basement and a broken window where he had managed to get in... again.

He just wasn't meant to be an outside dog.

We spoiled him.

He needs Uncle to come back from his trip and take him back to his warm house in Arkansas.

So...

now that I have rambled a bit...

Enjoy the pictures and have a great day.

The Road Not Taken...

I'm feeling good today.

Wait.

Did I just say that?

Was that me?

For a second there...

I thought I...almost... recognized myself.

Even if it was only a second...

it was nice to see myself...

for a bit.

I miss... me.

Now, I'm off to make this day...

Wonderfully Dreamy.

The Road Not Taken

~Robert Frost

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth; 

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Ups and Downs...

We are in the process of building on a new front deck.  There was a teeny tiny little cement step (two steps really) that you couldn't even stand on while opening the door...

Hmmmmm.

Weird.

Anyway, we finally got tired of knocking people off the step and started building a deck.  Eventually the deck will wrap around the house, but for now it will just be a large section of the front.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, because this means that there are planers and saws and drills and such taking up space all over the front of the house.

Really ugly?

Yes.

Necessary?

For now, yes.

This has brought a few new ideas to the kids, however.

Kids imaginations are always at work.

They managed to convince Grandpa to let them "use" a sawhorse.

They "borrowed" a long board.

Now, they are trying to figure out how to make this a permanent feature...

And...

When Daddy has time to make this new project a little safer...

Permanent it will be!

By the way...

I'm sorry for all of the whining and complaining lately.

A lot of emotions and feelings have been brought up with this move.

And...

I am a "stewer"...

It takes me a little time to work through some of this stuff...

I am getting there, though.

I think I have more good days than bad...

I think...

For those of you who are praying for me right now...

Thank you and I feel it!

Really.

You are appreciated.

Someone sent me a facebook message yesterday that just made me feel loved and thought of...

and, well...

not crazy!

lol

Everyone needs to know that they matter, I guess.

This process has really made me do a lot of thinking about how many times I may feel like someone is hurting, but I move on and don't take the time to just love on them.

I am not someone who gets down often...

Thank God!

I will say, that the next time I feel like someone is feeling extra lonely and just needs a listening friend...

I will be so much more understanding!

Now, let's get over my ups and downs and prepare for the onslaught of seesaw photos...

I have a ton of them people...

A ton!

All Things...

I Would love to say this is a Wordless Wednesday photo...

I just don't seem to have anything to say.

All I seem to feel these days is anger...

At what?

Who knows.

Everything.

Anything.

All things...

So, since I don't want to drag anyone down with me...

I will just leave you with a photo

of a couple of amazing little people

on a beautiful Fall afternoon.

Talking and Texting...

How I feel after talking to my two oldest babies

and texting my son-n-law...

Full of HOPE...

I Know. I Will.....

I don't feel like I've had much to say lately.

It's all been fluff...

filler...

meaningless.

I'm struggling to find my place.

My voice.

I have so many thoughts running through my head.

I can't seem to make them reach my mouth.

I know what I'm supposed to say.

I know what is expected of me.

I know.

I know.

I know...

SCREAM!!!!!!

I know...

I just can't seem to find the feelings that go along with that knowledge.

I'm in a dead zone.

The one thing that I know is that I love my family.

They are what gets me through another day.

I miss my older peeps.

I miss them so much.

But...

That is the way life goes.

My little ones have really drawn closer.

They spend a lot of time. reading and doing puzzles.

Watching them makes me smile.

Smiles are good!

Don't worry.

Really.

Stop it!

I will get through this...

whatever "this" is...

Lonely sounds wrong and empty and stupid.

I WILL get through this.

I will.

I will.

I WILL........

The Haps...

 Mark and I are heading out to visit with our Cheyenne today. 

I am so excited. 

I miss her tons. 

Besides, a little birdy told me

that someone is turning 21 soon

and I don't live where the big stores are...

so I will be doing a little shopping and

heading to the post office tomorrow. 

I hope it makes it in time.

I told Mark that everyone is going to think we have become some type of firebugs...

Besides the burn barrel and the burn pit...

and burning the garden field...

Last night, we finished making (I use we lightly.. since I had nothing to do with it. lol) our fire pit.

We then proceeded to sit out there long past Mark's bedtime and enjoy a cozy fire.

It was really nice.

I thought I would share this photo of me and my dad.

... now I need to get one of us with my brother!

Happy Friday, everyone!



Where Were The Marshmallows?

Sunday was chilly.

After church, the kids department had Family Fun Day.

Everyone had a blast.

They fed us mexican food... yum.

Then the kids played on inflatables.

When we got home, the weather was perfect for getting some jobs done that just can't be done during the hot weather.  Who wants to do anything when it is boiling outside?  Not us!

There was some painting and cleaning up of the outside... which is a huge problem for me.

We all like a little pride in our homes when we drive up, right?

Anywho...

My dad started asking me some questions about our garden next year.

What did I want to plant?

How big did I want to make it?

We got busy talking this over and then took a walk out in the left front field to kind of map out how big we want this thing.

I was told that we would need to mow very slowly through the overgrown brush around the perimeter and then burn the inside.

I guess those boys meant NOW!

Then next thing I knew, Dad was mowing and then as the sun was going down...

the kids came running in to tell me that they were setting the field on fire.

I walked outside with the bigger girls and...

indeed...

fire was everywhere.

But...

it did warm things up a bit!

Mark is seriously having too much fun out there!

The little firebug!

Buck doesn't really care for the fire..

He proved several times why he is named Buck.

Above is Miranda and Sydnee...

my walk around the perimeter of the fire, "garden", partners.

and...

To prove that I actually live here too...

A photo of me at the fire.

It was a fun and productive way to watch the sun go down on a sunday afternoon...

But, where were the marshmallows?

Engraved...

The other day, the kids were cleaning up cookie crumbs and for some reason I thought that would make a great photo...

Yeah, still not sure about that...

Anyway, when I was looking at the photos, it got me to thinking...

No matter where I am...

No matter what I'm up to...

No matter what I'm thinking...

No matter how alone I feel...

God is with me always.

He never lets me go.

He never abandons me.

 See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.

Isaiah 49:16

I think I was supposed to take those photos...

to remind me that He loves me...

even when I feel unlovable.

Just Isn't...

Blurred...

Off kilter...

Out of sorts...

I don't know what the right words are...

but it has been coming on for awhile.

I am, by nature, a very positive person.  I am somone who seems to get over things quickly.  I move on.  I don't spend a lot of time fretting about stuff because it doesn't serve a purpose.

This time...

This time, I cant seem to shake it.

I am trying.

I am really trying.

I don't like feeling this way.

I can't even put my finger on what the problem is.

I love where I am.

I love my family.

I love my kids and husband.

Things are good...

But something just isn't... just isn't......

I want to cry.

I literally want to sit here and cry and there just isn't a reason for it!

If you are a praying person... pray for me.

I don't like this place that I seem to be bogged down in.

I just don't know how to find my way out.

Weird...

From the mouth of one of my babes...

"Mom, I'm glad you're weird... not normal. You'd be a boring mom is you were normal."

Getting Old...

People!

I am getting old!!!

I was looking at the photos that sweet hubby took on Easter and YIKES!

Wrinkles!!!!!!

And lots of them...

And... is it... Yes, it is... the roots are not only showing, but the grey hair is showing!!!!!

DOUBLE YIKES!!!!!!!

I do not like this Sam I Am!

My son said I look mad in this photo...

And if I had known all of the wrinkles and grey hair stuff was there, I would have been mad!

Crows feet!

Laugh lines (at least I laugh enough to get those)!

Funny wrinkly old lady neck!

Holy Moly, Batman!

sniff sniff sniff

I am getting old...

(It is a good thing that when I showed this to sweet hubby, he told me I am beautiful and not old and he loves me and...  Yeah, it is a good thing that boy has been with me for so long... or I might not believe him.)

LOL...

Worship...

Learning a song today... for worship tomorrow... and it is not only a great song... but fun!

Now, if I can just remember all the changes...

Worship for me has been many things... including a paying job for years... but I had to get away from that.  It became too... ummmm... about the job, if you know what I mean.  I don't ever want worship to feel that way to me again. 

I love fun, exciting, ROCKING music.  The louder the better.  The more exciting and jump up and down... the more I love it.  My kids don't know me any other way.  God doesn't know me any other way... I don't know me any other way.  But, I will be the first to tell you that worship can be expressed in so many ways.  As much as I love a rocking song... I love the beautiful, slow, totally between me and my Savior songs. 

So. Very. Personal.

I am excited about tomorrow's set.  Can you tell?!

What are you doing tomorrow?

How do you express worship?

Big Baby...

Do you ever have one of those days when it suddenly feels like life sucks?  You know... you are really feeling sorry for yourself and start to convince yourself that nothing has gone right for you in years...

Today... this evening really... has felt like that for me.  I don't know why... or maybe I do and I don't feel like I need to share... but I just might need a good cry and some alone time.

I feel the way my kids probably feel when I send them to their room to change their attitude...  I guess I need to change mine. 

For the moment, however, I am struggling.  I am fighting.  I am not happy with anything.  I feel lost and alone and hurt and... like a big baby.

Thank God,  that tomorrow is a new day!