The last 3 months have been something out of the ordinary for me.
Deep, Deep, REALLY DEEP DEPRESSION.
Why? You ask...
So many reasons that I can think of and even more that I haven't begun to discover yet.
What I have come to realize is how we, as humans, don't like being confronted with others dark sides.
The fear, anger, sadness, anger, quiet, anger...
Did I forget to mention the anger?
And then, if you are the person going through this dark valley,
you start to feel guilty that you are feeling what you are feeling...
Which makes you feel even worse!
Does that make any sense at all?
This is the place I have been in.
Dark, dark, d.a.r.k.
My family didn't know what to do with me...
so, I think the tried to ignore that it was happening.
For me, this just added to my feelings of loneliness and self hatred.
It really wasn't until 2 members of my family,
who live far away (from me and each other),
acknowledged what was going on with me
and gave me advice and a
chance to "talk it out" that I started to feel better.
Sometimes when we know someone is feeling down, we avoid them.
Or we avoid talking to them about what they are going through.
I am soooo guilty of this.
We don't want them to bring us down.
We don't really want know what lives beneath the surface.
For the person facing those dark days,
it feels like you just jumped off a cliff
and you know the landing is going to be rough...
and yet you are falling, falling, falling...
Knowing the landing is coming...
But it hasn't hit yet...
And it's coming...
You're anticipating it...
Where is it...
When will this end...
Why won't this just END!
And Yet, the falling continues.
I am having more up days than down.
I seem to have a bit of my smile back.
I have a bit of my sense of humor back...
(although my husband may not see that as a good thing... lol... He does tend to be at the butt of the joke more times than not.)
Sitting here this morning, writing about this dark place, it would be easy to sweep it under the rug and act like it never happened.
Infact, that is what I would normally do.
I don't like to share those kinds of things with people.
I don't like to show my vulnerable side.
It did happen, though.
Thankfully, when I felt at my lowest, I knew that God was with me.
I didn't have anyone else I could scream and yell at...
But he allowed me that liberty.
Just as David cried out to God asking WHY?
I did the same.
Yes, I felt guilty for what I saw as my lapse in faith...
but now I can see that my loving Heavenly Father was with me the whole time.
He never let me out of his sight.
He stood beside my while I cried and held me in his arms to comfort me.
I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. Psalm 77:1
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.
How blessed we are when we have that friend that never leaves us.
No matter how dark the place is where we are.
No matter how low we think we are...
He is with us...
waiting for us to call out to Him.