For the Night...

My arms feel empty.

My heart is hurting.

My faith is strong.

God is in control.

Weeping may last through the night,

but joy comes with the morning.

Psalms 30:5

Have You Ever Had A Day...

Did you ever have one of those days...

You know the ones...

When it seems like everything is going wrong.  You have tons of things to do, but it doesn't seem like you can finish anything? 

When you want to pick up a baby and cuddle them... but you keep reminding yourself that in just a few days they won't be in your arms anymore...  They belong to someone else...

... and the more you have these thoughts going around in your head, the more you want them out... and before you know it you are taking it out on the ones you love the most in the whole world.  They understand that you are struggling with grief... but that still doesn't make it right.  And then you start to pile the guilt on top of the grief...

Have you ever been in the midst of one of those days...

When someone who lives far away (but loves you just the same) thought about you...

and took the time to pray for you...

and more importantly...

took the time to listen...

took the time to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit...

... and just when you thought your day was heading into the gutter...

Your husband brings the mail in and hands you a card...

And it ends up being exactly what you needed...

... Have you ever had a day when you are reminded that God loves you right where you're at...

...and he knows exactly what you are going through...

... and in the midst of this day, He uses someone special to remind you that you will be okay...

And you believe it!

What We're Up To... and Some Bad News...

What have we been up to lately?  Well...  Alot of enjoying the sunshine. And then the rains came this morning.... but I will try to ignore that... and the bit of white stuff that is falling out there right now.  The kids have really enjoyed running off their energy outside... and so has Momma.  The winter has been long and cold.... and snowy.  You can only spend so much time cooped up inside before you start to go stir crazy.  I think the weatherman has forgotten that this is supposed to be spring.  Maybe he forgot to turn the page on his calendar.

We got some bad news yesterday.

The state will be sending the babies to their grandmother sometime in the next 2 weeks.  We will officially be finished with foster care.  We have been mom and dad to so many kids over the years... and we have loved it.  However, along with the budget issues the state is facing, they are starting to put so many kids in very risky situations.  We don't want to be a part of that anymore.  I can't love them to pieces and then see them give these innocent little beings to people who allow child molesters in their homes, drugs, etc and the kids have to go there because a fluke of nature says they share the same blood.

Our court date yesterday was a complete joke.  The father of these babies was treated like he wasn't even part of the equation.  The judge didn't want to hear anything he or his attorney had to say.  He is denying him his right to have visitation with his children by placing them out of state.  Technically this isn't even legal.  However, he knows this father has no finacial recourse.  So that is that.

We cried.  We will cry again.  Mark and I discussed that this was such a huge test of our faith.  We had placed these babies in the Lord's hands and know that he has not only our families best interest at heart, but these babies as well.  I know that he will take care of all of us.  That doesn't take away the pain of having to hand them over, though.  They are so bonded to us.  The woman they are going to doesn't know anything about them and didn't care enough to even call us to find out anything about them.  That is so sad.

Please pray for our family as we go through these normal emotions.

Grandma Remedies...

Getting Big...

It's all relative, I guess...

They are up to 8.6 pounds... but that is doubling their weight... so they seem big!

Baby N is rolling over (occasionally).  They are starting to "chat" with me.

They smile when they see me... which I love!

They went through a horrible diaper rash.. that I could not get rid of.  I was changing them constantly and still it wouldn't go away.  I was using the most powerful over the counter stuff you can get... I went to the doctor and he prescribed some stronger stuff that you can only get for really bad rashes... NOPE! 

So...

I went back to the old tried and true method of my grandmothers...

cornstarch!

Yes, people this stuff works miracles.  They are now completely well.  No more open wounds in the nether regions...

They don't scream horrible nightmarish sounds when you change their diaper.

Thank God for the tried and true grandma remedies!

Kissable...

Aren't little baby mouths the most universally kissable thing in existence?

So. Very. Cute.

So.

Very.

Kissable!

God is Good...

Last week was one of the craziest, weird weeks for this family.

We noticed something strange going on with one of the babies toes...

and very quickly things went downhill.

We called the doctor on Wednesday and told him what was going on.  He told us to IMMEDIATELY get the little guy to the ER.  Nothing scares you more than when a doctor says, "Do it immediately!"

So, off we went.

The ER doc acted like, oh yeah, we see this all the time.  She grabbed a scalpel and scissors and literally dug into this little guys toe.  Apparantly he had a hair wrapped so tightly around the toe that it had cut into the flesh.   The back of the toe was almost cut to the bone!  Yikes!

She dug and dug and finally pronounced that she had cut the hair and we would be good to go.  We asked about getting an antibiotic.  She told us that he didn't need one and we should just watch him... he would be fine.

I woke up with him at 4 a.m. and knew that he was hurting.  The toe still didn't look too bad so I got him back to sleep and waited for daylight.

Early that morning, I unwrapped his foot and was met by a really ugly sight!  the toe was so swollen... and you could almost see it getting bigger by the second.  I tossed him in his carseat and headed straight back to the ER.  This time there was a doctor there who seemed like she had actually been to medical school...

She went into action immediately.  She told us there was a chance... a very good chance that he would lose his toe... maybe his foot!  I started praying!  The took x-rays and blood and tried to get a IV started, but it blew.  They told us that we needed to get him to primary childrens in SLC right away.  They shot him full of antibiotics and gave us the option to take our own vehicle or an ambulance.  I chose my car.  I grabbed my hubby from home and off we went. 

As soon as we walked in they rushed us into a room and started all kinds of stuff.  They put Nair ( the hair removal stuff) on his foot and started going for another IV.  They tried his hands, arms, head... Finally, they got one in his hand... and it did not blow.

They started more powerful antibiotics and said we would be staying overnight, at least.  They said we would know more about saving the toe as time went by.

This is what the foot looked like when we arrived at Primary's...

Remember, this is an 8 pound babies toe...

We continued to pray...

And, the Lord was soooo good.  He will keep his toe and foot and we are home!  He is on some pretty powerful antibiotics still, but that is okay.  His toe is only about one size too big now.  The drainage has stopped.  He is eating better and sleeping better.

God is sooooo good!

Thanks for all of your prayers while we were battling this.  It was so appreciated.

By the way, the docs all said that this is a pretty common occurance in babies.  So, check those fingers and toes... frequently.  It can go bad really quickly!

More than 30 seconds...

Sorry I haven't been posting.

We have spent the last few days in the hospital with one of the babies.

I am now trying to get things back in order around here.

I will let everyone know what happened when I have more than 30 seconds on here.

Loving Babies...

Little faces, little heads, little cuddly bodies...

I just love it!

I will tell you, though, that I miss my sleep!

LOL...

We all continue to need your prayers.

God is full of miracles...

Loving these little guys is just one of his many blessings.

Someday and Today...

I can see what a great mother you will be someday...

You make me so proud to call you mine!

My children have really stepped up to the plate.  When I say that, it sounds like I asked them to help with the twins.  I haven't.  Each and every one of the kids has pitched in.  In some way they have helped me tremendously.  Miranda helps in the middle of the night. Sydnee helps with feedings and diapers.  The little ones all help with binkies that have fallen out.

But...

Aubrey has been such a blessing.  You never have to ask if someone will help feed or hold or love or kiss...

In fact, you will have to ask her to step away from the babies before anything else!

A Good Lesson...

A good lesson for a teenager to learn...

Oh, so this is what it is like to have 2 babies in the house and get no sleep!

The Best Words to Say...

Sometimes...

The best words to say...

are...

"How do you want me to pray?"

I was blessed with these words this morning.

I was blessed to know that others care when I am hurting.  As this friends eyes filled with tears this morning, I remembered that we are not alone in this battle.  So many people care. 

Not only about us... but about these little boys.

When the question was asked...

I paused...

and thought...

How do I really want her to pray...

Do I ask... selfishly... for what I really, really want? Or do I ask for wisdom as we make some pretty big decisions in the next couple of days...

I chose to ask for wisdom... and answers...

(Shocking, I know... but the Lord has brought us through quite a time lately with many lessons learned.)

Thank you, my dear friend...

for helping me to remember that we are not alone...

For sharing your tears with me.  For reaching out and touching me.  For not assuming that the best thing to pray for is automatically what I want...

Thank you for being that physical reminder...

We are Never truly alone...

The Business of Living...

I know... I promised photos.

And then...

I went crazy for a day... literally... it was not good... tears and anger directed... at the state but sadly at my husband... who couldn't do anything to change their minds or "fix" things... and for that, I was mad.  I think I was truly scared and that came out in my own way.

I have apologized to all for letting myself be taken down that path.  I will say it again, however, I am sorry.

The very next day after court... and the almost certain reassurance that these babies would be ours forever... we are now being told, "No.  We think we will send them to this other place out of our state... to someone they don't know... who already had several other grandchildren in her home and isn't really capable of taking care of two little babies... but, Oh well."  People, this is literally the way the state workers are talking.

Why didn't I remember how messed up the system is.  They rarely "help" kids.  They talk with so many good intentions, but in the end it is a rare thing that they actually do the best thing for the children.  We had almost decided to stop doing foster care because of these issues... and then their promises began. 

Now, I am heartbroken.  My husband is heartbroken.  My children are heartbroken.

Again, anything can happen.  We have seen it all.  In the end they could stay or go.  We have been shocked over and over again at the states decisions.  For as much as the states claim greatness in all that they do to help... those of us working on the inside... sure see another side.

Okay, I have ranted enough.  Now, I will get down to the business of taking care of my family... and these babies.  We aren't sure where to go from here... but the possibility that we will be done working with the state is very real.  My kids don't need this emotional rollercoaster... and neither do my husband or I.

I will now get back to the business of living...

Thanks for listening.

He Walks Before Me...

I promise to post some type of photo tomorrow...

As you can imagine, things have been a little "tired" around here.

We had some great news at court yesterday.  We are one step closer to the babies being officially ours.  Keep in mind that anything can happen.  We have seen it all, but this is good news!

Thanks to all of you who have been praying...

You are appreciated so very much!!!

Please keep us in your prayers as we walk through this journey.  Especially pray that I will remember that God is in control.  He has a plan.  He can see so much more than I do.  He loves us all... and wants the best for us.  Pray that I will continue to rely on Him and His word.  He will NOT fail us.  I don't need to fear every step because He walks before me.

No Matter What...

We met the caseworker for our little guys today.

It is such a difficult case. 

Someday, I hope to be able to share all of the details.

Just pray for us, please.

How do you not give your heart away to these little people???

I don't want to get hurt and I certainly hope that things don't end negatively, but there is always that chance.

I am clinging to Deut. 31:8...

"Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord will personally go ahead of you.  He will be with you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

No matter what,

God will take care of us and our little guys.

Whether they remain with us forever or not.

What's Going On Over There?????

Well, we have two new additions to the family.  Twin cuties!  Eli and Noah.

Hopefully, we will be ready to complete the adoption process by the 6 month mark.

God has a plan.  We just need to be open to whatever He has for us and however He wants to use us.  This may turn out the way we are hoping for... and then again... He may have a different purpose.

What I ask from all of you, is that you keep us in your prayers.  Two is definitely different than one... but, we are loving every moment!  (Even on 1 1/2 hours of sleep)

Hopefully, I will have good news to report in the days and weeks to come.

So, now you know what's happening over here...