One More Time...

My first "real" job was working at Tastee Freeze in Tok, Alaska. I was 15 years old and thought I was so grown up.

I remember receiving my first paycheck... I think I had made about $350... it was Alaska after all. I was so excited and started thinking about how I could move out and live on my own and never have to listen to my mom again... not even one more time!

Now, I laugh... Ha... in the face of my 15 year old naivety.

I have children who have reached that same point in life and they have also had that same thought... yes, girls... I know what you're thinking! You see, I have been there too.

No matter how old my girls think I am (not yet 40... but to them that is ancient) and no matter how many years have gone by since I moved out on my own... I remember being a young lady starting out, making my own rules and trying to figure out what I believed and why.

I remember getting on a plane at 17 years of age and crying so hard as the plane left the ground. The man sitting next to me said, "Wow, that must have been some boyfriend." I burst out, " It was my Mom!" and cried for the next 3 hours. Leaving your childhood behind is hard and painful. There are moments when you think you have everything under control and in the next second, you miss being that little girl who could climb up in your mommy's lap and know that the world was a safe place.

The lesson I am learning now is not new. I realize that I was here before. I have walked similar roads. The form is slightly altered but the journey is the same. I am learning how to live without my mother. I am learning to walk on my own. I am figuring out what I believe and why. I am growing into something new and different. It is hard and painful... oh, so painful. (anyone who has been down this road can attest to the pain) I know, however, that when I get to the other side... I will be okay.

I just wish, at this one moment in time, that I could hear my mother's voice... just one more time.